I have this thing where I get really nervous when I want to speak up and voice my opinion. This mainly just happens in classrooms but then that’s probably the worst place it can happen. I start to sweat profusely, my hands shake uncontrollably, and I swear people within 10ft. of me can hear the sound of my heart pumping fast and loudly. If, and that’s a big if, I decide to speak, I get extremely red in the face. Now, this really only started to become apparent less than 2 years ago and I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s happening now. I’ve always been an introvert and obviously would get nervous before presentations but never had any real physical/physiological features of it before.
I remember the first time my face flushed so hard I literally felt like it was a heater turned up to at least 100 degrees. I looked in the mirror and saw that my entire face/neck was super red. Honestly I was a little taken aback. I can’t remember exactly what it was that was said to me but it happened during the first phone call I had with the admissions counselor at what is now the graduate school I attend.
Even being hazed as a sorority pledge during undergrad never caused me to turn red or get super anxious like I do now. I just don’t really understand where this came from. I look at people all around me and I start to feel a little lonely. It seems as if I’m the only one that has this problem and it sucks. I know I’m probably not the only one that has/is experiencing this so I’m writing this for two reasons. The first, to let people know they are not alone. The second, I’m hoping that by writing about it and publishing it for the world to see it’ll help with my healing process and maybe hopefully somehow release some of this anxiety I’ve apparently been internalizing.